You Ready For All This???

I am challenged to write.

There has been so much going through my mind these days as I planned to get on here and update my life...not for you or others, but for me. Consider this my public journal. Open for readers in hopes of provoking honesty and challenging some rigidness that might be out there, but over all, just a way for me to EXHAUST myself of the thoughts and feelings and busyness that goes through my head day in and day out. (and also a way to document and remember precious things during this fun time in life with the little stinker!)
I have a topic that I want to put out there to you ladies, and I open it up for discussion, feedback, criticism, whatever. It's an Ugly Ugly thing we all know about, have, and thrown-up on others called MOMMY GUILT.

Yes Ma'am, I'm going there.

When I was pregnant with Annabelle Cate, I'll admit, it was hard. Hard to accept the fact that I was finally moving in a direction with my career I had always wanted, literally, the week before I found out I was pregnant I got my current position. Hard not to feel like the girl I had always treated and counseled about decision making and "planned parenthood." Hard to understand that, yet again, God's way is WAY different then mine, and now I have to swallow the pride of knowing that again, I am not in control of this thing called life.

So as my journey into mommyhood began, it wasn't long before, literally, everyone I knew was pregnant around me. All of my sisters in law were, Aud, due 3 months before me, Laurie, due 2 days before me, Jess, 6 weeks after me. And then the friend wave, Ellen 3 months before, Lindsey 2 months after me, Stacey, 6 weeks after, Leanne, 2 weeks before, Aly 6 weeks after, Wendy, 6 weeks after, and then a couple of wonderful friends who lost their babies during their pregnancy. There were several other prego facebook friends and acquaintances that were due around that time as well. All of that to be said, it was like I was living in a world full of hormones!!

So there is tons of looming excitement about who felt what when, who was doing what, who was reading what, what have you gained, what have you experienced, what have you tried to get these contractions started early!!!..... You get the picture. But it wasn't until having Annabelle and all of our little ones, my precious mommy friends, that I understood what the crap this thing called MOMMY GUILT was!!
TO BREAST FEED.....NOT TO BREAST FEED...Cloth diapers or regular.....homemade foods or Gerber or organic......When to start solids....Why NOT to start solids.....Sleeping in their room or not....Sleeping on their tummy or not.....When they completed a milestone...why they hadn't completed a milestone....or better yet for us "Why is she so clingy/attached to us, and Why she grabs her hair when she's mad and rips it out!!!" And lastly, and most honestly….TO WORK or NOT TO WORK!!!

It's SICK. It's absolutely sick. I relate it to the same feeling I have with women comparing themselves to the supermodels and actresses who starve themselves and get a dozen plastic surgeries to enhance their goodness. We ALL subconsciously do it. We compare our hair, makeup, clothes, and life to those of people who can afford to hire people to do it all for them. And then, I find myself in that same place with my child!! "Well....so and so does this....so and so says that...." Or better yet for me, "this book says this....this book said that." All leading that horrible feeling of… “I’m not good enough…doing enough….home enough…PRESENT ENOUGH!!” (holy cow don’t get me started on that last one)

What in the world?? My child deserves so much more then to be compared to everyone else's perspective, opinions, and children. (if you are reading this and have not done this, please stop reading this now and UNSUBSCRIBE because you are full of crap!) Now there is a difference in seeking advice and getting counsel from other, maybe more experienced moms. For example, Ellen is my little girl fashionista. Without her, I might have never known the value of Baby Lulu, or Isobella and Chloe. And other mommy friends for so many other things.

My problem lies here....from the moment our children are born, we catch it! "Will you be breastfeeding or bottle?" asks the nurse. I have to say, I have enjoyed breastfeeding, and for those of you continuing, start weaning earlier then you want to stop! I've been weaning for 3 months and it's been hard on both of us! But, as good as our mothers, and grandmother's intentions are, when my mom says things like..."Oh, she's grabbing at you, she wants "the good stuff, not that bottle," it applies a LITTLE bit of pressure! And when you see other mommies who had babies and really....I mean did they REALLY have babies....they look fabulous, and me, I am STILL sitting about 10lbs shy of my delivery weight!! And I've even been working out w/ a trainer for over a month....tear....sip of soda. :) (trying to quite-only have one every couple of days, I Know!)

Have any of you found yourselves saying....well....they're already crawling, they're already talking....blah blah blah about the other little ones around you? I hope I'm NOT alone, because if I am, I'm a horrible momma!
I want Annabelle to be happy, and fulfilled and live up to being Uniquely and Wonderfully made!! I HAVE to stop looking at others and comparing her growth, development, and yes…sometimes…even her wardrobe, to others. This little one is so full of individual personality, and smiles, well, just TOO much almost. I mean she makes it hard not to want to just pick her up and love her all the time! She’ll probably pull that over on us when she’s bigger and in trouble too.

Friends, Bloggers, Mommy-Sisters (that’s what I refer all of my prego at the same time friends), we have GOT to keep our selves in check with this. Myself ESPECIALLY. I know that God’s timing on things is so beautiful. His timing on Annabelle was wonderful, because look at all of the best friends she will have! And every time I find myself worrying about when she will do what and such…she surprises me! Like crawling. She’s been army crawling for 3 months, but just when I thought she’d never crawl on all 4’s her knees hit the carpet instead of the hardwood, and she was off! I love God’s timing….typically in retrospect, but it’s never too soon or too late!

Psalm 149:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My friends, I challenge you to stay strong and be courageous, and stand up with me against this epic scary feeling of GUILT because some one or something has allowed you to feel inadequate as a parent. I am pretty sure God would look down and point at us and say… “That’s just CRAP!” Because you and I both know and have to remind ourselves daily, that these precious jewels of gifts God has given us as children, are only ours for the raising and they belong to Him! I am honored that God saw readiness and strength and wonderfulness in Stephen and I enough to say….hummm….ANNABELLE goes to the Dixon home…. *Do Not Open until 10/9/09* These babies are HIS and if they don’t crawl, walk, talk or whatever at the rate of all others, well, you may not know what you’re doing, but God does. Thank GOODNESS.


Ok. SOAP BOX-OFF.