Confessions of an Imperfect Person...

A part of me hopes I writting this to the open and no one will think or judge me for the realities I am facing...

Today's not a great day. This week's not a great week. This month's not a great month. It's safe to say, "Momma's Strugglin'!" For lack of a better comparison, I feel like I am barely keeping a float. Or one that I often use in my counseling sessions with my clients, "I'm like a rubber band that is stretched way to thin, and if any thing causes a glitch in it, I will break!" I break a lot. I now can admit that I break in secrecy.

Let's back up a bit...

Friday is my "catch all" day. It's a day I work from home, and if any unplanned events or meetings occur, I let them happen then. Well, Lucky for me the morning was looking bright. Supervision with Carol for my counseling practicum form 11-12, a pit stop at an event that is work related at 12:30, and then off to Springfield for Annabellle's 6 month panel shots at 2. Well, I got to supervision about 15 minutes late, supervision went on until about 1:15, with me thinking not at all of the time, but why in the HECK am I doing all of this? Do I even WANT to do this? Am I even good at this?? Ahh....it was tough. Discouraged to say the least.. Then I'm trying to get from Antioch to home then home to Springfield. All the while, Annabelle is with me, I'm feeling that I will be able to spend good quality time with her today, but no, she was in her car seat most of the day, and refusing to eat for who knows WHAT reason...oh yeah, I tried her on formula for the first time and she refused.

So I'm on the way home, having completely missed the work event I'd planned on, I'm stressed, so stressed that I have a huge lump of EEEK in my throat because I'm feeling anxious and frustrated at my lack of time management, and call Stephen to get her dress out and prepare to drive because I am not capable right now. I get home at 10 til 2, Gina (our photographer) is fine with us being behind, which is good b/c now we need to stop and get gas b/4 we get on the road.

Stephen gets out to put in gas, and immediately I hide my face and begin sobbing. Just sobbing, and hoping he doesn't see, because the last thing he needs is another breakdown from his wife. (So I feel anyways) Well, he gets in, and we talk, and it's good, he's so wonderful, but I had that reoccurring feeling of wanting to quit everything!! Work, School, BLAHH!! But we try to problem solve, and the solution is nowhere in sight. I've been in school for 3 years now, and I am ready to be DONE. So quitting before my last semester is just plain stupid. And work, well, I love my job. I am blessed by my job and my coworkers, and it's nice to have a big chunky extra cushion to sit on and plan for our future with....so the solution is.....suck it up and tough it out!

I know everyone keeps saying that "it's just a season," "it's just a season." But the season is winter, and if winter is too long, everything below it will die, and that's where I feel I am. One long, damn winter. And I can't take it. I need to see the clouds part, the sun shine, the end in sight, but it's taking FOREVER! And my family, my husband, my job, my spiritual life, my everything is being attacked. I can't do this anymore!

I'm not going to take any classes this summer, as planned, and just focus on my practicum, and I'm going to take a daytime class in the fall and possibly a night time. And then I will be done.

So now for the everything else....

Friends, I am asking you to please pray for us as we begin the journey of weight watchers. All I've ever done is watch it go up, so I'm looking forward to watching it go down and hopefully gain a sense of control over my life through my eating habits. We joined last Saturday and today, Thursday is my first day of officially being on it....though I have not documented it yet! I am at Panara and had soup and water for lunch and am working...whilst talking a break to vent here....

But we have joined, and it's going to be tough because it's a lot easier to eat what you want when you want then to watch, count, and practice something I loathe...SELF CONTROL!! So we are beginning this journey and are hopeful.

Why? Well, I am about 8lbs from my weight at delivery, and am 2 sizes bigger then I was before I got pregnant... My body's different, my feet are wider, my shoes and clothes don't fit, and as "the pretty chubby girl" I used to relish in my ability to adorn myself in cute clothes and shoes...and NONE OF EM FIT! NONE!!! So what do I do? I shop and try to find clothes that do fit...and I selfishly spend money that we are trying to save for our next home....and if I over spend....don't find anything I like....or catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for a moment see myself as "the fat momma who let herself go" well, I eat. I eat, I shop, I spend, I eat. Some drink, some do drugs...but that is my coping skill. My Addiction.

How's THAT for a reality check??

So I know my cycle. As a therapist in training....trust me, I KNOW my crap...better then most. My problem has been the same as most, I haven't a CLUE as to how to get from point B to point C. I am talking to someone about it and working on a few things.....living the phrase that "every good therapist has a therapist."

Where does that leave me? Broken. Unclean. Empty. Searching. Hopeful. Tired. A little Depressed. And of course....BLESSED!!
*Blessed to have my husband who is tired and broken at times too but who is still so strong for me!
*Blessed to have a baby who adores her momma, even after I refuse boobie time in the middle of the night and she wails about it. :)
*Blessed to have friends who I can call and vent and cry to, or sit in their office and pray together.
*Blessed to have family who support me in all I do and step up in any and every way because they have set an incredible example for Stephen and I on service.
*Blessed to have friends who seek ME out, even after I say "No, I can't, I'm busy" a dozen times.
*Blessed to have a dog who gets virtually NO attention from me anymore, but still jumps, barks, whimpers, and kisses me like crazy the minute I walk through the door.
*Blessed to have everything that I not only need, but want and don't even appreciate.
*Blessed to have the means to provide for our family's needs without worry, even though things get tight and I make bad decisions.
*Blessed to have wonderful siblings that Stephen and I both adore and look up to and know we can call on for prayer and wisdom at the drop of a hat.
***BLESSED***

So, Perfect I am not....nor have I ever claimed to be. Blessed I am, though I sometimes forget to count them.

Pray friends, because I know that "this too shall pass" I just don't really enjoy the wait.

Ha. I am reminded again of the all too familiar verse that I live my life by....or at least try to and seem to make reference to on a regular basis....

James 1:2-4
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

"Oh Lord, you know my needs. You know my heart. I lay it out before you. Come and wash me clean, refocus our priorities, and build our family strong and full of love. Thank you father for all you do, your blessings on me and our family are too numerous to count. Give me focus for today, to be diligent with my time and not wasteful. The times I wrap myself up in tv, internet, and things other then the blessings in my life, I cannot regain, so help me to place them at the top of my priority list. You are the God of all good and perfect things, make me whole again and move swiftly. I wait and am here with open arms for your love, grace, and mercy in this time that has seemed so grim for me. I love you and am yours for the making.....Make me new. Make me whole. Make me full of love and kind words. May my actions bring glory to your name. Amen"